Episode 78: Make Friends With Fear

Today. We're going to talk about how to make friends with fear. Yeah. A different kind of conversation. I know. And the reason that I want to talk about this is that I still know how much we all struggle with fear often on, you know, depending on where I'm at with my business or what's going on in the world. I struggle with fear, and I know you do too.

Let's dive right in. Let's start this thing about what is fear. Do you notice how we assume that fear has control over us? And then we do everything in our power to avoid feeling scared and everything in our power to do anything that might make us feel scared. And so, a lot of times you might want to avoid this conversation, avoid the topic entirely, but you guys are courageous. I know you can handle this. You might get busy. You might procrastinate. You might get busy. You might work on making something perfect so you never have to release it. You may want to get those words just right before you say them. If you want to have a conversation with somebody, you might just hesitate. Fear shows up in a lot of different ways. 

In the previous episode, I talked about the five faces of fear. I highly recommend you go and have a listen to that one, too. We allow it to hold us back from helping the people we are meant to help and helping ourselves to live the life that we are meant to live.

When I think of fear, there are three things that I realized about how to make friends with fear. And even if you don't want to make friends with fear, how about if we just learn to tolerate fear? Instead of spending a whole bunch of time resisting and avoiding and trying to hold it at arm's length, let's do what we can.

Fear is Normal

The first thing fear is completely normal. It's an emotion. We experience emotions. When we go back to why do we have that emotion? Why do we experience fear? It's because of a chemical reaction. It's because of evolution and our body has evolved to take care of us. We often will experience one of the Four Fs fight, flight, fun, or freeze. Those are all stress responses, but they often show up when we're experiencing fear, when we're doing something or anticipating, or seeing something that we think is dangerous. We get it, our mind experiences, fear, and it thinks that we're in danger. What's really going on? It's normal that you want to resist. It's normal that you want to avoid feeling fear because it means that you're in danger and your body and your mind is just trying to help you out. Now, for most of us, we don't really have that much danger in our lives.

We're not really concerned about being physically hurt. We're not really concerned about getting eaten by a lion or attacked by a grizzly bear. Some of us do have true danger in our life. And in this case, your fear is a helpful thing, helping you to be alert and helping you to move to safety. But for many of us and many of the things in our life, it is not a real physical danger.

So, when we think first, that fear is normal, that it's a reaction of your mind and body that's going to help you.

You will feel fear when you try something new

The second is that we're always going to experience fear. Anytime we try something new. And again, it's for the same reason we think something's wrongs going to happen. We've never tried it before. It's new, it's unknown. Again, totally natural that our body and mind  react, we feel scared. And we resist and in the resisting of the fear, we allow it to have power over us.

But think about what your life has been up until now. You've tried new things. You know how to walk. You didn't know how to walk when you were born. You probably know how to cook dinner. Bet. You didn't know how to do that. When you were a little one, you probably graduated from high school or university. You probably went on a first date with somebody, every one of those new things, you probably felt some fear at the start. It may have been coupled with excitement and excitement and fear have a real similar feeling in your body. Some of us are excited about being excited and so it makes it easier to overcome. Some of us interpret that feeling as fear and really feel the fear. Maybe you had to have an uncomfortable conversation with your boss. We have all done things for the first time before.

It's a weird trick. Our mind likes to do it wants us to forget that we have done things that were scary before. And now they're part of your normal everyday life. It's normal to feel afraid when you're trying something new. And then we forget that we used to be afraid of that thing. Maybe you were scared when you had your first class at university. And then after a couple of weeks, it was no big deal. You just go in the class, you sit down, you sit close to some people that you've met and that's just the way you are. That's the way life is. And you completely forgot how scared you were at the start. That's one of those things that fear likes to do with us. It likes to play that little mind game. We forget that we have done things that are scary. 

We forget we are courageous beings. Remember those things that were first, we were scared at first. And we did them. We showed up that is courage in action. Fear is normal. It is a normal reaction. And fear is normal when we're trying something new.

The third thing, we will forget

And the third thing is that we forget, we forget that we were scared. We forget that we were nervous. We forget that we were worried, all those things, right? The first is for you to remember that this is a reaction to a situation either imagined or a real situation, but it's still a reaction. It's not who you are. It is a reaction you are having; you are not fear. You are an individual and you are experiencing a feeling of fear. Instead of internalizing and resisting, you can keep the power of fear, much lower and start to get a little bit friendly with it.

When you realize that it's not who you are, that it is a passing thing. And that more than likely, you've had courage in the past and you have forgotten about it. 

Make Friends With Fear

Step 1 Normalize It

Now let's very briefly about how to make friends with fear. The first thing is that you can do is normalize it. You say, oh, oh right. You know that this is a new thing. No wonder, I'm feeling nervous. It's completely normal for me to feel nervous per perfect example me with this podcast. I wanted to do a podcast for years, and then it took me forever to get over that nervousness. Well, now we're on Episode 78. Can you believe it? 78? It's just the thing that I do. I've made friends with that fear. I moved forward anyway, and I know you can too, so you could tell yourself, oh right.

You know what? This is normal. It's just my body and mind trying to keep me safe. Step one, to make friends with fear, normalize it, make it logical. You know why this reaction is happening. Your body and your mind are trying to keep you safe.

Step Two Separate YOU from the emotion

Step number two, to make friends with fear is separate. It separates you from the fear. And so, what I'm saying by that is I am experiencing fear. I'm feeling fear, but I am not my fear. That is the powerful second step is reminding yourself. I am not my fear. This is just a reaction that is happening because of something new, something that I haven't done before, something that means a lot to me that I'm learning how to do.

Step Three Focus on The Next Small Step

And finally, step number three, focus on micro-steps. We've all got that dream, that goal. And when we look forward so far into the future, sometimes we get scared.

So, let's focus on the little steps. Maybe your goal is to start a coaching practice. Maybe your goal is to sign your first five paying coaching clients. Maybe your goal is who knows what to be a fully booked six-figure coach. Instead of always thinking in the granular place of what it's going to be like a year from now, when you're a fully booked coach and you spend all that time, imagining all the scary things you're going to have to do between now and the next year, take it down, break it down into small, itty-bitty steps. Micro-steps even. Instead of saying, oh my gosh, I'm here. And I have so far to go break it down into the small steps. What is one little thing you could do? What's that next little thing you can do. And, then you'll find that if you take those steps small enough, they're not nearly as terrifying instead of going so far out of your comfort zone, you're only just pressing the edge of your comfort zone.

And those little steps can be done quick as a wink, just like that done. Five minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, one minute, sometimes as fast as pressing send on that email, sometimes it might only even be a couple of seconds, right? You take it, you break it down into the small steps, the manageable micro-steps. Then when you've done that thing yourself, a pat on the back say, yeah, I did it. Take satisfaction, even delight in checking that item off your list. If you keep doing those little micro-steps before, you know it, you're going to be so far down the path, you're going to be so far closer to that goal. And because you were just pressing on the edge of your comfort zone, instead of way over taking the giant leap, you've managed fear. You've made friends with the small little steps instead of getting stuck. 

And you're going to have forgotten about how scared you were at the beginning.

Remember the three characteristics of fear, the first fear is normal, and we're going to experience it. Number two, we will always experience it and we will give it way more power when we resist it. The third is we forget. We forget that there are things that we do today that are no big deal that used to make us feel scared. And then to make friends with fear, remind yourself, fear is normal as part of the human condition. This is just my mind and my body acting up, trying to keep me safe. The second step to make friends with fear is separate you from your fear, the third to make friends with fear is take tiny little actions that move you relentlessly forward. When you're feeling nervous, you're going to just keep going to the next tiny action and the next tiny action.

Finally, in all of this, remember to be proud of yourself, remember to acknowledge your own accomplishments, remember to celebrate your wins. You might look at it and say, Hey, look at this. I go to the gym four times a week now. And I used to be scared to walk in the front door. Now I walk in the door like it's no big deal. I know the equipment. I know the people have a smile on my fac. In other words, give yourself credit for all that stuff you have already done. Remind yourself of all those things that you used to be scared of, that you have overcome, that you have for remind yourself when you do that, you're going to remember that you are courageous and that you are so much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I'm so glad you're here. And I hope you take this episode and apply it in your life.

I've got one more little thing. If you've always being curious about what it takes to become a successful coach, I've got something that I wrote for you. It's called The Ultimate Guide To Becoming A Coach I've put a link in the episode notes, and I'd encourage you to go and download it and have a read, especially if this is something that you have been dreaming for months or years. I want to help you in any way that I can to fulfill your dream. download that guide and have a read.

And if you want even more help, maybe you've had enough of trying to figure it all out on your own. Maybe you've had enough of downloading all the things and trying to piece them together. Then we should talk. We should talk about how we can work together. I've got some space open in my calendar for private clients, and I would love to hear from you, click the link in the episode notes to find out how to apply, to work with me. I'll be back and speak with you again next week.

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