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How Wanting Can Work Against You Ep: 029


 

Hey Friends, How are you? I’m so glad you’re here and welcome to this newest episode of She Coaches Coaches. 

Do remember the Spice Girls anthem…tell me what you want what you really really want… 

My daughter used to play it loud in the house when it was a top hit. If you used to listen to this song too, I’m going to apologize in advance, because it’s now probably stuck in your head for the rest of today…I know it’s stuck in mine!

Today we’re talking about how wanting and how wanting something can actually work against you.

I was coaching a client the other day and she shared how much she wanted to quit her day job.

Yes, I know this is a pretty common desire.  Lots of new coaches want to get their coaching income up so they can go ahead and quit their job.  

This episode isn’t about how to prepare to move from being an employee to an entrepreneur it’s about what happens when you really really really want something.

As we were coaching, I was scribbling down some notes so I could show her how her thinking was creating her current reality.

She coaches with me because she’s learning how to create her first paying coaching clients. I know this is a big milestone for new coaches and it’s super fun to reach.

Anyway, she was saying. 

Aaaack I really want to get a bunch of clients so I can quit my day job.

And I get it, I remember feeling this way too,  did you realize, that everything you want. Every goal, every dream, the recipe you want to make for dinner, everything is because of how you think you will feel when you get there. 

Say your goal is to cook an amazing dinner.  Maybe your desire is wrapped up in wanting to feel nourished and creative or maybe it’s to create the feeling of more love.

If you have a goal of running a 10k race. It’s not the running you desire it’s the feeling the running gives you. Maybe it’s the feeling of energized, youthful, accomplished or proud. 

And when you want to sign a bunch of coaching clients so you can then quit your day job. Maybe the feeling you’re looking for is free or purposeful or fulfilled.

So let’s go back to this wanting this goal to quitting your day job

If we were coaching I’d ask you, how do you think you’re going to feel when you quit? 

You might say free, finally free!

And when you are thinking, over and over about quitting  you might be thinking. “Oh, I can hardly wait to quit” or. “I’m so bored, it’s going to be so great when I don’t have to come into this office any more.” Or even, “come on this is taking forever for me to  fill my calendar” 

When you think thoughts like this, maybe you feel trapped or bored or impatient

What do you do when you feel impatient?

Well if you’re anything like me you: 

  • Look at the clock.
  • Grumble.
  • You dream about ‘someday’ happening sooner than later.
  • You write your resignation letter and read it every day.
  • You think about what you won’t have to do anymore.
  • You resent getting dressed and going to work and because you stay in bed just a little longer you might be late showing up from time to time.
  • Disengage your mind. Have one foot out the door, even though you’re still sitting in that chair.

Here’s what you probably don’t do: 

  • Re-commit to showing up in the best possible way at your work.
  • Volunteer for stretch assignments.
  • Apply for a promotion.
  • Create a plan to go part-time.

The result of these actions is that you are still WANTING to quit.

Do you see this?

In this case, the desire, the wanting isn’t accompanied by actions that create the result you want which is a full and thriving coaching practice. The emotion and actions instead are pointed at more desire, more dreaming, more wanting, more wishing.

You may be spending a considerable amount of time dreaming about quitting, wanting to quit…but this longing actually creates more WANTING.

If you’ve spent an inordinate amount of time wanting to quit and you’re still at your day job, get curious and ask yourself why? 

Now sometimes, it’s because you’re scared. Quitting the seeming security of a day job can be scary, for sure. You think you’re getting freedom, but that little voice inside your head says… oh but I won’t have medical benefits anymore. Oooh, I’m used to getting money deposited to my bank account every two weeks. I’ve got bills to pay, what happens if I don’t have that steady paycheque.

Here’s the thing, if you really wanted to quit, you would have done so already. 

Sometimes we’re in love with the idea of freedom and we ponder it…want it, long for it.  And then real life, with our logical thoughts show up. Notice where this is true for you. Where are you so busy wanting and not actually creating the result you desire.

I’m not telling you to quit your job. And for those of you who want to be full-time entrepreneurs, there are step by step ways you can prepare to quit. Like saving money, getting all the dental work done that you can, accumulate some vacation pay, ensure you have more than enough clients and income. 

Maybe your wanting is tied up with the goal of eventually finding your first 5 paying clients.  Or becoming a fully booked coach.

Regardless of the goal, if you’ve been spending all your emotional energy in the “wanting” or longing for something you don’t have let me share a few ideas with you about how to move from wanting to having. 

To begin, wanting something you don’t have can create more wanting.

Everything you want is because you think you will feel a certain way when you have it.

Get curious and ask yourself what that might be. What’s stopping you from feeling that way right now?

Next, accept there is nothing inherently wrong with where you are and who you are right now.

Maybe you have 2 clients, maybe you’re still working full time. 

Know that this is a step on your path to signing those 5 clients and your path to being fully self-employed. 

Accept you. Accept now. Accept what is.

Be grateful for how far you’ve already come. 

At one point you had zero clients and now you have two. That’s a big deal. Having two clients means you’re on the road to having five. 

Acknowledge your growth.

When you get to your goal, you’re still you, you’re still going to desire something new.

That’s part of being human. You might even forget how much you desired this goal, the one you already have.

After all, most aspects of the life you’re living right now were goals you dreamed of in the past. 

Did you dream of a promotion…well it’s your current job, the one you want to quit. 

Did you long for the day you could have a family…these children are yours now and your baby doesn’t sleep through the night.

Next, you’re going to exercise your mind- go to the place where your goal is current reality. My coach calls it the “done” place. As in your goal is already accomplished, “it’s done”.

 a) Instead of thinking about the gap. I.e. what you don’t have yet. Think about it from the place of it being a certainty. Present right now.

 b) Now, enjoy those emotions, the ones you were hoping to feel. Enjoy them now. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain by feeling the way you choose to feel. This is a step in mindset mastery.

 c) Second, feel gratitude. Yup, you heard me, practice the feeling of gratitude that you’ve reached your goal.

 d) Then ask yourself, what did I do to get here? What did I need to learn, what skills did I master? Now go do those things, learn those skills and see what happens.

This is a technique of asking future you. It might seem kind of odd at first, but you have a lot more wisdom than you might at first think. 

Of course, it’s not going to magically appear in an instant but you will with time become the individual who creates the reality, the results, the life that you’ve been dreaming of and you get to enjoy it right now.

Hey, if you say to me…that sounds like visualizing. I can’t visualize, don’t worry – I got you.  I’d remind you that your mind has no problem thinking up worst- case scenarios and solving problems that you’ve only imagined. In business, it’s called risk management.

That’s right, I know you can imagine what might happen (if it’s something bad), cause I know my brain does it all the time. Like when my kids were teenagers and out late, my imagination ran wild with all the things that could have gone wrong. Or the time I had a call back from my mammogram, I think I had envisioned all the cancer treatments I would have to undergo…and I found out soon thereafter, that there was nothing wrong with me. 

So in your imagination, go to the future and think of what you will be doing, how you will be feeling and what you will be thinking when you’ve reached your goal. Not from a place of it being missing, from “I don’t have it” or “ooooh if only one day”…but from the perspective of it being “done”.

And remember, while you’re doing this you will still be you and there will still be ups and downs. Trust me, that’s a good thing.

Ok, let me wrap this up. 

If you’ve got a dream or a goal or something you’ve been wanting.  You may find that you’ve created more WANTING – because you’re focused on not having it.

If that’s the case – it’s ok, you can shift in an instant.

You’re going to remember to: 

  1. Decide why you want the goal. How do you think it will make you feel?
  2. Practice being “future you” the one who has that goal already.
  3. Imagine your life when the goal is a reality
  4. Be thankful for all you have and all you will have (ie when your goal is done)
  5. Ask yourself what did I do? What did I need to learn? What am I thinking? and then go and do those things.
  6. Rinse and repeat. Keep learning from your future self. Practice the feeling that you’ve already reached your goal.

Now, If you’re listening to this episode and you’re a new coach, I can help you. You might be new and maybe you’re not quite sure where exactly where to start or what to do next. You might find you’re feeling overwhelmed or stuck about how to start attracting your first (or future) clients. If this sounds like you, you can hire a coach to make faster, easier and also way more fun.  Let’s see if it’s time for us to work together.

There’s a link in the episode notes about how to schedule a consult.  I’d love to hear from you.

Oh, and one more thing before you leave! I want to tell you about a gift I offer all my listeners. It’s my free resource library, and it’s filled with content I created to help you grow and become a coach.  I call it The Coaches Online Business Academy and here’s how it works.

Click the link in the episode notes and sign up for your free account. You’ll  get immediate secure access to all my free resources.

All you have to do to get access is go to the episode description or the show notes, click on the link and sign up today. And that’s it.

So that’s it for today friends. Come listen again next week, I’m looking forward to chatting with you then.

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