Episode 76: Let’s talk about the elephant in the room
Hi friend. And welcome to this episode. I am so glad you're here now, before we dive in, I want to talk a little bit about what I've seen at the beginning of this year.
We are still in January 2022. If you're listening to this far into the future. That's okay.
What I wanted you to know is that over the new year period, I spent a lot of time listening, closely to my clients and analyzing where they were getting the results that they wanted and where things weren't working exactly as expected. And I talked to them, and I looked at my notes and I thought about what was going on. In every single case, this is the reason, it’s one word it's fear. And I realized that we all hold ourselves back because, because of fear. And so, I decided to do a few episodes, on different t topics related to fear, and I trust that you will find them useful.
These episodes are dedicated to my clients. My past present and future clients. I want more than anything to help you live the life of your dreams. So, let's dive in. This first episode is called. “Let's talk about the elephant in the room”.
As I said, I've got a few episodes that are going to be coming along and they're all focused on fear.
So, let's go.
I want to talk to you about the elephant in the room. And this goes for all kinds of coaches, service professionals, leaders, online entrepreneurs. It doesn't matter where you are or who you are, but it's one of those main ways that we hold ourselves back from being all that we are capable of being. And that thing is often other people's opinions or rather how we think other people think.
What do other people think of us?
How often do you choose to do something different because of what you think they're thinking, do you hold yourself back because of what other people might think?
I've written a bunch of notes and I'm just going to tell you some thoughts. And my hope is that as I'm processing and learning, and I'm sharing my lessons with you, that you take them in, and you do something with them too.
So why do other people's opinions matter? Why do they mean so much to us? I think for most coaches and healers and leaders, it's because for many of us, small business owners, we're solopreneurs for the most part, maybe with a bit of a support team, but we are a reflection of our business. We may have a couple of people helping us, but our business is integral to us.
And when your business is like this, especially when you're just starting out and you're pouring your heart and soul and mind into it, it really matters to you. You're really invested in it and you're investing in it. And that's one of the amazing things, right? We've got a business. We can be so passionate about our business and create something that really reflects us a business with soul, our soul, our heart, our business, all intertwined together.
When you and your business are so close, other people's opinions might feel more important because it's not just about your business. It's also about you.
Think what would happen if your business was selling a product like a random old product, not even one that you'd invented, maybe the product that you're selling is chairs or something like that, something physical, something that's that you can put your fingers on and you didn't create it.
You didn't design it, but now you're selling it. And it's just not going to have the same impact on you. It doesn't have all of your heart in it. Your investment in it would probably be money, effort and time for the planning and delivery. But it's not at the same level as being the creator. They would've had, had their thought about it. Those designers and manufacturers, everybody's got thoughts about their things. Everyone has judged, and everybody has opinions, but it wouldn't matter so much to you. If somebody didn't like that chair you were selling, it wouldn't feel like they're judging you.
So that's one thing for you to think about.
What kinds of things does your mind say to you? It might be worried about questions like this. What will my friends think? Or, you know what? I've always wanted to be a coach, and that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to shift my career. I'm going to create this side hustle. And maybe eventually I am going to have an amazing business. What will people say to you or say about you? What will your family say? And when they say it, what does it sound like? Right. You might say something like, I've always wanted to be a coach and what will they say? Well, they might say, oh, oh, okay. Isn't that kind of an unusual thing to do? Or are you sure that's really an important thing? Or could you really make it at that? And so how often do you hold yourself back? Because of what you think might somebody else might say the thing is you don't actually know what they're going to say. They might say, oh my gosh, that's so amazing. What an exciting thing I know you're going to be successful. I know it's perfect for you. They may say that who they might say, something like this. Ooh, are you sure? And then try to talk you out of it. They could say any of those things and anywhere in between. You've got no idea what they're going to say or what their opinion is.
Notice how you project your fear on others. And then you take that fear, and you create a story based on that fear. Now with care, I want to say this to you because we all do this. That story sometimes is based on past experiences, for sure. But for the most part, we imagine a story and not a great story. We imagine that they're not going to say something nice to us. We imagine that they're not going to support us the way that we like it. Then what we do is we change our actions based on a story that we have thought, not that we've actually experienced and in that way we stifle ourselves.
Get me here. You create a story in your mind and that story that you created, changes how you think. Most of those times we know that we have a bias, a negative bias. So, most of those times those stories are negative. And we think somebody's going to be unsupportive or judge us. We think that, but we don't actually know, right?
So, these important words we imagine, we reject, we think, and all of this, all of this is us making up stories in our own mind.
It all starts with our thoughts, and we are the ones that choose the story. And so that's the way that you can move forward to take back your power and to move, to do those things that you really, really want to do. Remember those thoughts are your thoughts, whether they're true or not, who knows?
Right? And because of those thoughts, we either put a lid on our passion and don't allow ourselves to shine. Or maybe even we dull our sparkle just a little.
Now what I'm saying to you is this, when someone says you're kidding, right? Or they might even say, you know what? I think you should take a dose of the real world. That's never going to work. Of course, they get to say it. They're used to having a certain relationship with you. They want you to stay safe because they care about you. They also don't want you to change because it upsets their apple cart as well. Maybe you’re used to doing the salsa dance together. And now with your change in life, it's like, you're changing to the waltz, and they might be a little uncomfortable too.
They also might be doing it because they really truly believe that they're protecting you. They love you. They care for you. And they don't want you to get hurt. So yeah, they might say those things, the things that we fear, but they may say them from completely different places. You’ve got no control because guess what? When you start to think about it, when you second, guess you hold yourself back because of how you imagine somebody else might judge you, or you hold yourself back because you imagine what their opinion is going to be. And the reality is other people will judge you. It's a fact of life. We can't help it. I judge people all the time. You judge people all the time. We form our opinions every single day. So of course, other people are judging you too. And if you ever thought about it that way now, sometimes you're going to suspect. Maybe they're judging me positively. Maybe instead of going to that negative place. Maybe they'll say, wow, that's so cool. And other times they're not going to say that.
Think about this. When we think they're going to judge us, do we even consider that they may judge us kindly and positively? They might encourage us, nope, we automatically jump to that negative place, but we don't have to make that assumption.
So, what are you noticing as I describe this to you? Are you starting to shift your perspective? Just a little.
They may judge you when they see you online. They may judge you when you do a video. They may judge you when they hear you speak, they may judge your appearance. They may say he's too loud and boisterous. I hate that. Or they might say she's too fat. Or they might say, he's too skinny. Who knows? They may say all those things. But what often happens is that we might hear the judgment and here's where we can change. We might decide that we've got no control over what they think or their judgment. We can change who we are. That's the only thing that we've got control over who we are, how we show up, how we think, how we feel. And we get to learn how to accept ourselves and our choices and our dreams.
Let me give you some other thoughts. And I don't know if you've noticed this about judgment, but sometimes somebody might look at you and say, ah, I love how her eyes sparkle when she smiles or, oh, she is such a kind caring person. Would you ever think about those kinds of judgements? Probably not.
Now let's flip the script around a little bit and I want to show you one other thing is that sometimes we use our own judgements against us. And here's what I mean. We might look at somebody else and we might say something like that. Oh, I love how her eyes sparkle. When she smiles, she just shines from within. And then we flip this script, and we turn that mirror on ourselves. And we might say things like, ugh, my eyes never do that. You feel how we looked at somebody else and found something amazing and did something to admire about them, but then use that against ourselves.
We judge that other person so kindly and then turn it on ourselves, like a weapon. People are always going to form opinions. They're going to form opinions about you, no matter what. And sometimes those opinions might be great. They might be complimentary. So, who knows? We can't control their opinions at any time, not just today or tomorrow, even if we do the best job we've ever done, we still can't control their opinions.
And remember too, that a lot of times when they're making their opinion about you, it might actually be a reflection of how they think of themselves. Or maybe they're thinking how you're better than they are. And turning that compliment on themselves. Just like you might do the same to you.
To close out this episode, I found this quote and I wanted to read it to you. It kind of sums up the idea about other people's opinions. And I love it. It says, and I believe it's an Eleanor Roosevelt quote. It says
You probably wouldn't worry what other people think of you. If you could know how seldom they actually do.
Pause for a moment and take that in. So often people aren't even thinking about you. They're so busy thinking about themselves and their lives and challenges. So, they're using that opinion sometimes.
And sometimes they’re not even thinking of you.
So, when you're thinking about what somebody else is going to say, what's going to happen really? Probably nothing, probably they're thinking of themselves or looking at you in admiration because you're going out there and creating the life of your dreams. And then they're turning it on themselves as a reminder of where they aren't stepping up in their own life.
So, notice we can use opinions, other people's opinions in many ways. Do we imagine what their opinion might be and use it to hold ourselves back?
Do we look at somebody else and form our own opinion and spur ourselves forward, using them as a role model or do we hold ourselves back?
Lots for you to think about here, right?
So, I would encourage you to think about this. And I would love to hear how you're going to take this and move forward for yourself. Take the next step, take the next risk. Become an awesome coach instead of holding yourself back. Allow yourself just to open up and shine. And use your gifts because you are so needed in the world.
Now if you have always been curious about what it takes to become a successful coach, I've got something that I wrote for you. It's called the Ultimate Guide To Becoming A Professional Coach. I've put a link in the episode notes.
I really encourage you to go and download it and have a read, especially if this is something that you've been thinking about for some time.
Download this free report, have a read. And you can always DM me @candymotzek
And if you want even more help, maybe you have had enough of figuring it out on your own or taking hours and hours piecing together solutions by reading and watching and listening. Then we should talk about how we could work together. I've got a few spaces open in my calendar for private clients.
Click on the link in the episode notes to find out how to apply to work with me. I'll be back and speak to you again next week.
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